I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
