Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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