Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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