Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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