When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
