My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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