Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I wear drunk well.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
