We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
