True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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