Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
