Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
