I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
