i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
