I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
