Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
