Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Randomize
