Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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