i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
