Yo dont text me then not text me
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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