May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
