There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Farmville is her only friend.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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