john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
