I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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