The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
