i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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