Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
