new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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