i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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