So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
