if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
