The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
