can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
