Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
