hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
