I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
