Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
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I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
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btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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