he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
vagina is talking i cant
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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