with your own penis?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I didn't notice because vodka
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
