i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
