we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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