new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
