Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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