i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
