Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
