If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
