had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
