I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
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He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
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I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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