1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
