My first STD was from a foam party
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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