We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
