Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
