he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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