i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
