my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
