my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I want to fling myself into the sun
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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