Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
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He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize