I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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