I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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